(originally published 10/7/19)
It’s time to get down and dirty again with another peek inside the mind that belongs to everyone’s favorite blogger (that’s me, in case you didn’t know.)
I’ve ripped open my heart, showed you some of the dark recesses of my brain, and shined a light on my not-so-awesome past life. So what’s left? What else can possibly lurk behind this screen and keyboard, as I sit here typing on a mild sunny day?
Some of my loyal followers have called me brave, courageous, even fearless. It’s time to drop the mask. I am not fearless. Not at all.
As the nights get longer and the weather cools, I am more afraid. Of the dark? No, not really. Not technically. Not in the way you might be thinking. It’s the darkness and chill of winter that scares me, not so much the dark itself. Actually, it’s what happens during the dark cold days of winter that frightens me more than winter itself.
As the days shorten and the temperature drops, I feel a change within. No, I am not turning into a werewolf or a vampire, so put your silver bullets and crucifixes away, please. The easiest way to explain, I guess, is a change in my mindset. I’m not sure if it’s a change in body chemistry or hormones, or attitude. I’m not sure if it’s a seasonal disorder. And i don’t know if it’s a combo of the cold and dark coupled with… well, feeling like an outsider during the time of the year most closely associated with spending time with loved ones.
If you’ve delved into my website, you know I am mostly estranged from my family of origin, by my choice. It’s a choice I still wrestle with, usually as the winter holidays rear their heads. It’s difficult to explain this to people I don’t already know. Those who know me, know not to ask. I can usually deflect questions by turning them around and asking the asker about THEIR holiday plans. If that fails, I can usually cry poorhouse and say that traveling to my family of origin is too expensive (it kind of is anymore). Barring that (because there’s always some too-chipper asshole telling me about 99 dollar flights and shit…trust me I have better things to do with 99 bucks…) I can vaguely mention that time off is too difficult to come by (it is, really).
Even though it’s my choice, I think its the combo of all of this that drags me down after Halloween passes. I don’t think people understand just how fucking emotionally tiring it is to be on the defensive all the time; all while trying to slog through the cold and the dark and the yuck that winter is to me.
And what scares me the most as winter approaches (I’m not the only one hearing Ned Stark and Jon Snow in my head intoning, “WINTER IS COMING!” am I??) is how my mind begins to work. The thoughts that creep up on me and all but take over sometimes. It is an almost-constant battle between me and myself, if that makes any sense. The me that has hope, is optimistic, and tries to see the good in things and people. And Dark Me…the one who fucking hates life, who feels worthless and unlovable, lonely and afraid. The one who wants to, sometimes, quite literally, curl up in bed and die.
Last winter was not a good one emotionally or mentally. And at this moment, today, right now…I am afraid of this coming winter.