I’ve neglected my writing, and that might be part of the problem.
I’ve tried to work on odds and ends, but nothing is coming together. Pieces that started strong and felt right to me fizzled out. I’ve got a collection of half-written thoughts that I can’t fully flesh out.
I feel that parts of me are scattered, too…not coming together. Namely my heart. At times I feel I’m torn in two. At times I feel like my insides are a yawing abyss; that I will be empty forever. I’m empty inside and I ache.
I wonder how much of my soul I lose each day I’m determined to sleep in the bed I made. Because goddammit I’m afraid to do anything different. I hate my fear, but i know it keeps me safe. I’m safe here. I may not be loved, but I am safe.
I love someone who doesn’t love me back, and I don’t know how to stop. God I don’t know how many times I’ve wished for a pill or a shot to erase the feelings and the memory of the feelings…and the memories of him. He permeated every part of me.
I wrote him a letter and told him how I felt. That he was the benchmark for any relationship I considered after I met him. And everything in him spoke to everything in me. I told him what an incredible person I thought he was.
I still have that letter.
I can’t give it to him.
He loves someone else.